


The ANBU Clause

by drelfina



Series: Konoha is the Clownfish AU of the shinobi world [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Arranged Marriage, Clownfish AU, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, Flirting, M/M, Marriage, Multi, Oiroke no Jutsu | Sexy no Jutsu, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Serious fic gone cracky, Timeline What Timeline, everyone gets married, jane austenian marriage mechanics, kakashi pisses off the uchiha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-16 02:04:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18681901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: So when you get married in Konoha to an active shinobi, there's this clause in the marriage paperwork: What happens on mission stays on mission.It's colloquially known as the ANBU Clause.Kakashi is interested in taking it beyond that.





	1. Having a Plan

**Author's Note:**

> for convenience sake, I'm going to keep their canon pronouns. But in such a world like this, I have a feeling that the shinobi probably either have a very strong gender identity that has nothing to do with their physical sex, or they might be way more fluid in their own gender identities, and some might change their personal pronouns based on which arrangement of sexual characteristics they're exhibiting. So Iruka's always going to be 'he' even if he's 9months pregnant. Um. Yeah, this is not a super on-point social commentary.
> 
> This continues 1 year after [What Fish Can Tell Us](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18438587), and you PROBABLY would like to read it first before getting into this. Otherwise I guess it sort of maybe stands on its own? What fish can tell us has more of the world building though. this one is just Kakashi-shenanigans. More or less.

Iruka wasn't sure what woke him up, but now that he was awake, he could hear low voices. 

In Itachi's quarters, if he hadn't put up a silencing jutsu, it was pretty much an open invitation for Iruka. 

Iruka reached over to touch Itachi's side of the bed; it was cool to the touch. Itachi must have been up for at least half an hour, then. He rolled upright, grabbed his robe and pulled it, tying it casually around his waist. It might gape open a little over his breasts but it was a warm night. 

He didn't bother with slippers, just padding out barefoot to the little verandah and paused. 

He had seen Itachi in ANBU uniform of course; as his spouse, Itachi had been very clear during the negotiations on his role as ANBU. In other countries perhaps the status of active ANBU was more stringently classified; but here, thanks to the complexities of social contracts, Classification of such agents were a little less stringent. 

You needed to know if your spouse was going to be banging half of his team while away after all. 

It was called the ANBU clause - even if it actually applied to all active duty, field ready shinobi. What happened on mission, stayed on mission; if you brought it out of mission though, that's when the lawyers got paid. 

ANBU were notorious for banging each other - there was a hell lot of "I'm not dead!" fucking going on there, it was almost definitely a guarantee that you would be fucking almost your entire squad and maybe half of the entire elite shinobi of Konoha if you were ANBU. 

Iruka was definitely not thinking about that, when he stared at the silvery ANBU armour in the moonlight. 

Hatake Kakashi turned to look at him - it was a slow, deliberate tilt of his head, obvious in that he'd already known that Iruka was awake and coming towards them.

"I apologise for waking you," Hatake said. Iruka wasn't sure what, exactly, his mask's identity was, it was tilted out of his view nestled in Hatake's mass of silver hair. All Iruka could see were the abstract curls of red, turned almost black in the moonlight. 

"You did not," Iruka said. "I woke and realised Itachi was gone." 

Itachi wasn't dressed in the ANBU armour - it wasn't a mission, then. Or rather, it probably was ANBU related, since Hatake was here, in the armour, but if it was classified or an active case, Itachi would have put up the silence jutsu, and if Iruka had still come seeking him out, Hatake would have left. 

If it was something Iruka was absolutely not cleared to know about, Itachi probably would have laid a genjutsu on Iruka to keep him asleep until it was over. 

"I hope I am not disturbing you," Iruka continued. 

"Hardly, Iruka-sensei," Itachi said, turning to hold out his hand, and Iruka could step lightly on the pebbled path towards them. "Taicho was just updating me on an civil case Father had asked me to look into." 

Hatake inclined his head towards Iruka, but even in the shadows cast by his hair and the trees of Itachi's garden, the glint from his eye was still visible, and his gaze on Iruka was tangible. 

Lingering. 

It felt like a shadow's caress, tingling. 

"Hatake-san," Iruka murmured. 

"It's not much," Hatake said, turning that dark gaze back to Itachi. "Evidence gathering is slow going, but Fugaku-san should know how it is, just because we're ANBU doesn't mean we can just interrogate our own citizens." 

"Understood, Taicho," Itachi said, nodding. Hatake waved a hand in the general direction of his forehead in some vague approximation of a salute to both Itachi and Iruka, then he disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

Iruka just exhaled for a moment, breathing in the night air, and then tucked his arm around Itachi's waist. Itachi hummed, turning, and then tucked his head against Iruka's shoulder, fitting carefully and perfectly to Iruka's curves. Itachi wasn't that much shorter than Iruka, still growing after a year; personally Iruka thought that Itachi would eventually be of a height with him when he finished his growth spurt. 

Right now, Itachi was just the perfect height to do just this, and tuck his cold nose against Iruka's neck. 

"Ah, You're cold, Itachi-kun," Iruka said, tugging at Itachi's yukata, fitting it closer around him. "You were out here too long." 

"It's a warm night," Itachi murmured, even as he burrowed his face against Iruka's warmer neck. Iruka made a little noise, shifting. "I like when Iruka-sensei is so watchful." 

Itachi's words were just a soft breath against Iruka's skin, and iruka shivered, particularly when Itachi's somewhat cold nose brushed over a tingling, sensitive spot at the junction of neck and shoulder. 

"You - ah -" wait, Itachi was nosing at him quite deliberately. 

Iruka drew back a little, just enough to look down and Itachi was gazing back, his eyes dark, limed by the moonlight, his mouth half-hidden against the slight curve of Iruka's breast and. 

That was a smirk. 

"You are shameless," Iruka breathed. 

Itachi hummed, but it wasn't very loud. Just the vibration of his lips against Iruka's skin and Iruka shivered, a warm flush spreading down his neck, and Itachi's mouth curved up even more. 

"I don't think you mind very much, do you?" Itachi murmured and swayed in against Iruka, and Iruka had to take a step back, to brace, and Itachi just kept moving, nudging, until Iruka was backed up against the veranda, and with just the slightest nudge to the back of Iruka's knees Itachi had him coaxed down to lie in a decadent sprawl on the raised wood platform. 

"No," Iruka breathed, and let himself be pushed down to his elbows, his hair in that slightly messy tangle that Itachi had left it in when they'd went to sleep, and now was going to be even worse later. 

Itachi didn't seem to mind; his gaze was just darker, hungrier, and he was pushing Iruka's knees apart, crouching down between his legs and tugging the folds of Iruka's yukata open and away. 

"Really, out here?" Iruka said, but he wasn't moving away. Just looking down at Itachi between his legs and the way his ponytail slipped down to tickle Iruka's thigh and Itachi's mouth widened. 

"Do you object, _strenously_ , Iruka-sensei?" Itachi murmured. 

Iruka bit his lip. 

And Itachi dived down to lick up the soft folds between Iruka's legs and Iruka gasped. 

"We're outside, Iruka-sensei," Itachi said, so soft, almost inaudible above Iruka's breathing, those clever fingers of his rubbing soft little circles along Iruka's knee, then up his inner thigh. Soft little pressure on chakra-points. "Anyone could hear." 

"I -" 

And Itachi leaned down again to lap at him, clever hot, _wet_ tongue parting him, pushing _in_ and Iruka dropped his head back in a shuddered gasp even as his hips rocked up. "Itachi-kun!" 

And because Iruka wasn't stopping him, wasn't doing more than curling his fingers into the sleeves of his yukata, Itachi kept doing it. 

Long lazy laps of his tongue punctuated with short almost sharp stabs into Iruka, Itachi's fingers digging into the meat of Iruka's thighs, tiny little sparks of chakra pinning him down so Iruka could do nothing more than tremble helplessly as Itachi took him to apart on just his tongue alone. Made him _take_ it till he was sobbing Itachi's name. 

And then Itachi was pressing close, sealing lips over Iruka's clit and _sucked_ , and Iruka yelped, breathless and helpless and writhing on the wood and he didn't care if Itachi's entire clan could hear him all but scream. Vision blotting out, a briefly, and the yukata was twisted under him, trapping him there to just take whatever Itachi wanted to give him. 

And Itachi wanted to give it to him, again, and again, until Iruka's voice cracked and Itachi's chin was soaked, nerves lit up and on fire, till he was clenching on Itachi's tongue, his fingers, everything in him spasming like he thought he was going to break apart. 

When his vision cleared, Itachi was sitting up and watching him, expression smug and pleased. He pressed his mouth to the inside of Iruka's knee, kisses soft and oh god wet from Iruka's own pleasure, Itachi's lips wet and kiss-dark. 

"Fuck," Iruka said, shakily. 

"Did you like that, Iruka-sensei?" Itachi asked. 

"... Just come here," Iruka said, flailing weakly at Itachi until his husband laughed softly and released his hips so Iruka could reach up and haul Itachi to him. 

*** 

Kakashi slowly tugged his hitai-ate back down over his eye as Iruka finally managed to coax Itachi to let him stagger back to into their rooms and shut the door behind them, no doubt to continue their married life of sanctioned debauchery. 

He'd seen how _pretty_ Iruka was, in the wedding kimono when he'd come to actual wedding ceremony, but tonight seeing the way he wore the female form with such shameless abandon? 

My, sensei. 

You didn't expect it from Academy teachers, of course, what with that buttoned-up image they all maintained, but this one was Asuma's adopted brother and from the rumours he'd heard, Itachi had been the one to push for his father to offer for Iruka's hand as soon as the news about Asuma's marriage had broken. 

Itachi being an insatiable partner wasn't surprising. He had experienced it first-hand, and as far as he was concerned, they were incredibly compatible. 

He hummed, shifting to pull his mask back down and put himself back into place. 

Well now. He had a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For fuck's sake Kakashi, stop being a pervy stalker and just talk to them. 
> 
> Also, Iruka's been getting a LOT of practice holding that jutsu for the sexy funtiem married life.


	2. Multitasking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi implements his plan. 
> 
> He _loves_ when they have multiple effects. It's almost like multitasking!

"Eh. How's the married life treating you, Itachi-kun?" Genma straightened from in front of Iruka's desk to call across the mission room. Iruka's head jerked upright, flush infusing his cheeks. He barely had to search the room for his gaze to land on Itachi's. 

Itachi looked good, neatly dressed in his jounin vest and his ponytail straight and sleek down his back. 

But then, Itachi always looked good. 

"Come to see his wife, more like," said Kotetsu, loudly, which earned him a kick to the shin. "Ow, Ruka!" 

"I'm not his wife," Iruka said primly. 

Itachi just came up, nodding to Genma. "Very well," he said. "It is a very good life with my wife. Thank you for enquiring, Genma-san." 

Iruka huffed. "Itachi-kun," he said, while Kotetsu muttered under his breath. 

Itachi smiled at Iruka, a small little tilt of his lips but it was incredibly sweet nonetheless. "Iruka-sensei. Is your shift almost over?" 

Itachi obviously knew Iruka's shifts; he hadn't been out of the village for more than two weeks for Iruka's shifts to change dramatically, so it was an excuse for Itachi to give him a heated look, hot enough with promise to make Iruka's cheeks flush further. 

Iruka stood up hastily, just managing not to scatter his stationery, the seals and papers as his knees knocked against the underside of his desk. "Yes! I mean, almost, Itachi-kun, just let me gather up my things." 

Kotetsu groaned, and Genma raised an eyebrow propping a hip against Kotetsu's desk. "Man are they like this all the time?" 

"All the damn time," Kotetsu said, dropping his head on his desk. "You'd think it'd wear off in a damn year right, but _no_." 

"Shut up Ko-chan," Iruka said sweetly. 

Kotetsu made an incredibly rude gesture with his fingers at Iruka without lifting up his head. Genma snorted. 

"I'm ready, let's go," Iruka told Itachi, stepping out from behind his desk. "See you guys tomorrow," he told the rest of the shinobi in the room. 

"Thanks for the service, Iruka-sensei," Genma said, while Kotetsu groaned on his desk. "Oy, gimme a mission, hedgehog head." 

"Fuck you, Genma-san," Kotetsu said, muffled. Iruka just smiled at Itachi, taking the hand Itachi was automatically holding out for him with his free hand, the other arm and hand full of his papers and satchel. 

It meant that when Hatake Kakashi appeared in the mission room in a cloud of smoke and leaves, and fell over onto Iruka, Iruka had no arms to spare to catch him. 

Itachi, on the other hand, could just about prevent them from both ending up in a heap on the floor. 

"Hatake-san?!" Iruka tried to get untangled from Hatake, and ended up elbowing him in the ribs. 

Hatake groaned pitifully, and Iruka froze. 

"You are hurt, Hatake-taicho," Itachi said. 

"We should get you to the hospital -" Iruka said, a little frantically. 

"No, No it's not worth it, it's the sharingan," Hatake said. 

"But surely, they'd be able to help anyway," Iruka started. 

Itachi exhaeld and - "No, I suppose the Uchiha are better at this," He admitted. "I'll take us home. Please brace yourself, Hatake-taicho." 

*** 

The medic had said it was definitely something to do with the sharingan and a reaction with Hatake's chakra - Iruka wasn't particularly sure. 

But since it seemed to be some sort of medicine and rest, Iruka went ahead to make him comfortable in their guest room.

Well it was a fellow shinobi of their Village, and it was Itachi's taicho, wasn't it? He couldn't _not_ be hospitable. 

It was also quite nice that Hatake thanked him for it, when he was finally conscious the next day. 

"Don't you have anyone at home to help you?" 

"Maa," Hatake said, "Certainly not anyone as gentle as you, sensei~" 

Iruka didn't quite roll his eyes but. Everyone knew that while Kakashi was technically the head of his Clan, he was the sole survivor, and even up till now had not married. While Iruka had observed the entanglements of the Clans since he was old enough to follow Sandaime to Clan head meetings, Hatake had not always been present, and generally had let the Inuzuka or Morino handle any issues on his behalf. 

Part of it, Iruka knew, was because Hatake had been active ANBU and wasn't always available. The other, he thought was that Hatake had no real interest in Clan politics. Now that he was no longer as active in ANBU as he used to be - and this, Iruka knew because Hatake was picking up missions from the mission desk a little more often than three years ago - he did turn up to Clan meetings more often, but he still didn't have much to say. 

In fact, Iruka wasn't sure he remembered if Hatake had been present during that rowdy mess of a meeting when Uchiha Fugaku had proposed to marry Itachi to Iruka.

"Ne, Iruka-sensei, you're smiling," Hatake murmured. "Are you thinking of someone you _love_?" 

Iruka could feel his cheeks warm. "I'm just thinking of the time that Fugaku-san proposed … well. Surely you might have friends who could take care of you?" 

Hatake seemed to give this serious thought. 

"Colleagues, maybe?" Iruka asked, delicately. 

"Maaah, Itachi-kun's a colleague, yes?" Hatake said, his eyes curving in a smile, and he tried to sit up. "Though if it is too much trouble-" 

"Oh no!" Iruka caught him by the shoulder, and - well he didn't shove him back down, but it was a close thing. Up close, Hatake was a remarkably lean creature, fine-boned under that lean whipcord muscle, lithe the way Itachi was. 

"Please stay still. Junko-sensei would kill me if you managed to hurt yourself." 

To be fair, the stern Uchiha medic probably _wouldn't_ be terribly fussed if Hatake were to kill himself outside of the Compound. It wouldn't have been their business then. 

But since the heir of Uchiha had brought Hatake Kakashi back with him like an injured stray puppy and promptly installed him in his personal guest quarters, almost all of the Uchiha were duty bound to treat him like an honoured guest. Clan pride demanded it. 

In fact the first time Hatake had roused earlier today, he had offered to go to the hospital. 

_"After all, Uchiha-sensei might not … have the … assistance required,"_ Hatake had said, and even Iruka could have read the insinuation that Junko-sensei didn't know how to deal with Hatake and his problematic sharingan. 

_"Iruka-dono,"_ Junko-sensei had said, extremely stiffly, _"Please do your utmost to take care of him. I have other patients but you can always reach me if he gets worse._ "

Hatake had been chakra depleted, which meant that even the small injuries that ought to have been healed easily had to be stitched up and bound carefully with chakra-sterile bandages till he physically recovered enough to accept proper healing jutsu. 

With him lying there calm as anything, Iruka supposed it wouldn't be possible for them to move him to his home, not when there was no chance of anyone taking care of him - and Iruka understood why anyone wouldn't want to stay in hospital - it _technically_ was enough for bedrest at home for the next day or so. 

"Sensei," Itachi murmured, and startled Iruka a little. "You should go rest." 

"Ah, I can - " 

"I'll take over." Itachi came over, feet whisper-soft on the tatami, and leaned down to brush his lips across Iruka's cheek. "Go and take a break. You had a long day at work also." 

"You, personally, Itachi-kun?" Hatake said, his voice a weak little whisper. "Not going to just ask an underling to do it?" 

"Are you never going to let me forget my first mission report, Taicho?" Itachi said, calmly, getting a jug of water and refilling the small basin, smoothly taking Iruka's place as Iruka stood.

"Mmm, never," Hatake said. 

"You taught me that I must always take responsibility, particularly in all mission-related things," Itachi said calmly. "You are my Taicho." 

Hatake's laugh was a little breathy as Iruka shut the door behind him, but it just made Iruka shake his head. 

*** 

"You're not very subtle, Hatake-taicho," Itachi said, his quiet voice breaking the little reverie that Kakashi had been drifting into. 

Kakashi blinked open his eyes, turning a little to focus on Itachi. He was folding rolls of bandages by the bedside table, making neat little stacks. 

The room was dim, though it would get plenty of light in the day, and had quite a number of lamps and lights, there was only one turned on at the moment, comfortingly shaded from his eye. There were also soft curtains in a colour he'd realise was pale blue, but now were soothing light grey shadows. They softened any light coming in from the windows, not that the heart of the Uchiha compound were lit by harsh street lights. 

It was wholly unlike Kakashi's own bachelor's quarters, located where many unmarried and unattached shinobi lived - close to the head quarters and populated with several convenience stores because single shinobi had no time for cooking. 

He supposed that the Hatake Compound would have been much like this, at its fuller capacity a mere generation before his own father's. Right now it was almost a ghost structure that he owned but never went to. 

"Mmm? I am not?" 

"Iruka-sensei will eventually figure it out," Itachi said, voice still quiet and mild. "You don't really need to be treated specifically by the Uchiha medics, not when there are medics in the hospital who are perfectly aware of your unique situation. So, may I ask, Why are you doing this?" 

Kakashi's mouth quirked under his mask, the pull of the fabric against skin familiar as - well, a second skin. "Maa. You're so suspicious, my little kouhai." 

"Isn't that Tenzou-san? Where is he?" 

Kakashi didn't quite shrug. "He's on a mission." 

He stopped there, but Itachi had just as much as patience as Kakashi - he was willing to wait, letting the silence drag as long as he had to. 

"Hmm. I thought Iruka-sensei looked so pretty in the moonlight," he said, casually, smiling a little wider when Itachi's gaze snapped to his. "That and he's so gentle with his hands." 

Itachi's eyes narrowed a little. "That is my wife you're talking about." he put down the bandages with exaggerated care. He had obviously learned to read Kakashi's expressions behind the mask. Heh. "If you wish to court him, you're going to have to seek permission from our lawyers to renegotiate our contracts." 

It was cute when Itachi got uptight. "Neither of you had put in sexual or romantic exclusivity in your contracts." 

Itachi blinked. "... neither of us?" 

Kakashi's smile widened even more. "I didn't say I was only intending to court Iruka-sensei. Itachi-kun." 

"Me, Hatake-taicho?" Itachi echoed, looking flummoxed that anyone would want to court him. Kakashi would laugh if it wouldn't exacerbate his headache, which was a pity. Itachi so rarely looked poleaxed. 

"Maa, maybe you can call me Kakashi, ne? After we were so _familiar_ with each other…" Kakashi could see the way Itachi's cheeks started to flush, delicate and warm, as Kakashi layered as much lascivious intent as he could. 

"That was - is the ANBU clause," Itachi said, a little stiffly. 

"Mmm, but i remember still the sounds you make when I let you pin me against a tree, particularly that time just coming back from Iwa… that pine tree might never recover." 

He had been finding splinters in his hair for days after; though he wasn't complaining. 

And from the look in Itachi's face, he too was remembering the way those clawed gloves ANBU had left gouges in the bark and deep in the wood, which might as well have screamed, _ANBU were screwing here!_

"Those were - on missions," Itachi said. "Are you intending to tell Iruka-sensei?" 

"To hurt him? No, of course not. What happens in ANBU stays in ANBU, ne?" Kakashi reached up, slow from his physical exhaustion, but from the way Itachi's gaze was dragging along his movement, it had a lovely side-effect of looking sensuous. He hooked his fingers in the soft edge of his mask, and tugged it down. 

Itachi's eyes were locked on his mouth. 

Kakashi licked his lips, watching the way his eyes got darker. "I'm just saying. We are… very compatible. We understand each other." 

"Ah," Itachi breathed out. "I didn't think you thought that way, Ha- Kakashi-taicho." 

"Mm. That and," he said, slow, soft enough that Itachi was leaning in to hear him. "Pissing off your Father is one of my favourite past-times." 

Itachi jerked back with a flushed face, and Kakashi grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Kakashi can totally seduce someone while flat on his back on bedrest, while pissing off the entire Uchiha Clan. 
> 
> He is GREAT at multi-tasking.


	3. Level Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi's flirting levels up.

Within two days Hatake - Call me Kakashi, Iruka-sensei - was able to sit up on his own. While Iruka felt vaguely like he ought to be the one helping Kakashi, Iruka had his very regular teaching duties and mission-desk shifts, while Itachi had down-time for a while. It wasn't, Itachi had assured Iruka, like he was doing nothing but nursing Kakashi the whole day. As Heir of the Uchiha clan and unofficial stand-in for Fugaku for certain policing matters, Itachi had plenty of paperwork and admin duties to attend to. 

Iruka thought Kakashi himself was an ideal and model patient, always thanking Iruka and Itachi for helping him, giving him meals. 

That is, until Kakashi was well enough to shuffle to the bathroom on his own instead of needing someone to lean on. _That_ was when he started bringing out his terrible books. 

"Bedrest is boring," Kakashi said when Iruka protested the bright orange covers. 

"I have plenty of books you could borrow!" 

"Why, you don't like these?" Kakashi said, all innocent eyes and surprised expression, as if he didn't know he was essentially reading softporn in Itachi's guest room. 

""Those are - it's," Iruka stuttered. "Itachi-kun's not old enough for -" 

"Itachi's eighteen now," Kakashi said, "And married.Very happily married. Vocally married, I believe. Unless all you've been doing is holding hands?" 

"They're not very realistic books," Itachi observed from the doorway. "Iruka-sensei, you have that rather more tasteful series? Perhaps we can get Kakashi-taicho his own set. I'd rather he not read your marginalia." 

"You corrupted Itachi," Iruka accused, though he looked too flustered and flushed to actually mean it

Kakashi made a 'who, me?' gesture "I'm always happy for book recommendations, sensei. Particularly if it's yours." 

"Wha," Iruka said. 

"You have excellent taste." 

Iruka stared a little helplessly at Kakashi. 

Was he FLIRTING with him? 

Kakashi smiled at him, and turned a page. "No," Iruka decided, snatching Kakashi's book out of his hands, and slapped them into a side-drawer. "I'll get you better reading material."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow as Iruka rushed out of the room. "You and he are probably the most obviously married couple in the Village," Kakashi said, "and he's worried about your pure underage mind?" 

"Probably because the Icha Icha series is terribly written, the plots are overwrought and the porn purple," Itachi said. "I appreciate my wife's literary tastes very much." 

"Well then, if Itachi-kun approves," Kakashi said, with a grin. "Perhaps I will find it inspiring, ne?" 

"Maybe," Itachi said, and maybe that tiny lowering of his eyelashes was more suggestive than flirtatious but Kakashi thought it was a step in the right direction anyway. 

*** 

Despite being well enough to shuffle around, Kakashi for some reason did not leave, and Itachi didn't make him.

Iruka found himself half used to finding Kakashi in their kitchen making tea just before Iruka headed to work 

_"that's the silver needle tea?"_

_"Yes, of course, it's the only open tea, sensei. Here's your tea."_

_"It's the - traditional wedding tea!"_

_"It's not just good for conception, it's also good for blood flow and muscle recovery."_ And Kakashi had smiled ever so slyly that Iruka had flushed and just taken it. 

"I really liked your book suggestion, sensei," Kakashi said that evening, after Itachi'd cooked. 

Itachi didn't have to cook - the Clan compound's central cooking was usually more than enough for both of them, but with _this_ particular guest, well. 

Let's just say it's more diplomatic for Itachi to cook. 

Though, after eying the exceedingly simple meal, iruka figured he was going to have to be the one cooking. Itachi's cooking was servicable, and not much more. 

"What did you like about it?" Iruka said. As he helped Kakashi to sit. He was just a little creaky but soon enough he would be able to be mission-ready.

"Oh the plot was definitely not as interesting as Icha-icha," Kakashi said, 'But the sex scenes. Especially with the travelling ronin Kenshin…" He all but PURRED in Iruka's ear, and Iruka nearly dropped him on the floor.

"Kakashi-san!" 

"Taicho, if you tease too hard, I will force feed you dinner," Itachi said. "Like that time in Suna." 

"Suna?" Kakashi said, eyes wide in surprise. Iruka was almost sure it was faked. "But itachi-kun, that time in Suna, you were the one begging on your knees -" 

Iruka punched him in the shoulder while Itachi flushed bright red. "Not _that_ time," Itachi managed. "The time after that!" 

"Oh _that_ time. That one wasn't as fun," Kakashi said, all guileless. 

** *

"Oh hello Fugaku-san," Kakashi said, from where he had been sprawled on Itachi. "Here to join our training?" 

Kakashi _knew_ precisely how it looked, Itachi completely ruffled up and his practice gi askew, pinned under Kakashi's lithe form. 

"No," Fugaku said, as Itachi squirmed out from under Kakashi, Kakashi letting him up after a tightening his hold just a moment before releasing him. 

"Father, did you want something?" 

"Yes, some administration duties you need to see to. How long will your guest be staying?" 

"Ah, Itachi-kun has been _so_ kind as to let me stay until I'm mission-ready," Kakashi said, watching Fugaku's jaw tighten with bright-eyed interest. "I really _must_ invite you out for dinner, Itachi-kun." 

Fugaku's temple clearly started throbbing. 

"And Iruka-sensei. As… a mark of my gratitude. Amongst other… things." 

"Of course," Itachi said, while his poor father clearly got a headache. 

"Fugaku-san, you really should see a doctor, you look extremely tired," Kakashi added. 

***

"I'm not an idiot," Iruka said, after nudging Kakashi's reading material into a neat pile with a look of distaste. 

"Who said you were, Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi said. "That is incredibly rude of them, and Itachi-kun would go and destroy them for impunging on his wife's honour." 

He smiled as Iruka's cheeks went red - it was amazing how Iruka couldn't stop blushing when he was called Itachi's wife, even as he sputtered out denials. It was also adorable; no wonder Itachi wouldn't stop saying it. 

Itachi was a brat. 

"That is not - no, I'm not getting into this argument with you," Iruka said stiffly. "I can - see you're trying to flirt with Itachi-kun." 

"Ah." 

Kakashi sat up properly from his slouch. "That." 

"What are your intentions, Kakashi-san?" Iruka said and it was intriguing, the way he was all hard-lines when he normally got, soft and sweet around Itachi. 

"My intentions?" Kakashi hummed and shut his book. "I'm courting." 

Iruka blinked, while Kakashi kept his smile off his face. 

It was both fun and a strategy - where Itachi would be able to read as many meanings as he cared to from every word from Kakashi, it took Iruka right by surprise if Kakashi went with blunt. 

"Courting? But-" 

"Both of you," Kakashi continued. "I understand neither of you have an exclusivity contract, which leaves Itachi-kun open to a possibility of secondary spouses, while I have no contract at all." 

Iruka looked like he had swallowed his tongue, he was speechless. 

Kakashi waited a few beats. 

"You - I - but we're married," Iruka sputtered. 

"And you're very aware of every detail, I know," Kakashi said, keeping his cheer out of his voice. Careful, careful - he was very close to what he wanted. 

"Then you know that I am meant to bear the children of this union," Iruka said, his face redder than a tomato, "they have to be Itachi's- " 

"Of course," Kakashi said. "But I am perfectly within bounds to bear my own heirs, aren't I?" 

"But you're higher-ranked than - you're Itachi's taicho!" 

"True," Kakashi agreed. "That means you're going to have to test my ability to hold the jutsu." Kakashi finally allowed his voice to go sly. "Would you like to help test it, Iruka-sensei?" 

Iruka made a strangled sound and fled. 

Excellent, Kakashi thought and let himself smile. Very well-done. 

Everyone was on board the plan!


	4. There's plenty of reasons why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There're plenty of reasons why this contract is a great idea. Itachi knows all of them.

"We don't have to- " Fugaku was saying. 

"Of course we don't," Itachi said, "but Kakashi-taicho is offering to ally his clan-" 

"He barely has a clan," Fugaku muttered. 

"- and allow us more oversight to Obito's sharingan," Itachi continued like his Father hadn't interrupted. 

It wasn't the only argument he'd been putting forth to his father for the past hour. 

The Hatake family had more or less really allied themselves with the Inuzuka for the past few generations, even with the scandal of Hatake Sakumo, the family was still relatively decent. They did, after all, have Senju blood in them. 

Allowing a secondary marriage with Hatake meant that while officially any of Iruka's borne children would be Uchiha, there was a non-zero chance that Hatake blood - and thus Senju - would sneak into the mix, and that could well spell some very advantageous possibilities for their bloodline limits, and possibilities of summons contracts. 

Everyone knew that the Senju and Uchiha had meant to intermarry, before - the intensely strong friendship between Madara and Hashirama ought to have been linked. Alas, history being history had meant that that chance was gone, and for the most part the Senju had all but disappeared officially. 

Tracing bloodlines had shown, however, over the intervening generations that several Senju had married into other families and clans and left their mark - Hatake's speed was nothing to scoff at. 

Plus, Itachi knew that none of the Uchiha would go for an Inuzuka alliance despite their much stronger bonds with _their_ ninken. 

Hatake was a much more civilized alternative. 

Fugaku gave Itachi a look that said he knew what Itachi was up to. 

Or maybe he just had a headache. 

"It will aid in Uchiha Clan integration with the Village," Itachi said. "And besides, if we ally ourselves with Hatake, then the Hyuuga have no alternative but to ally with Inuzuka." 

Fugaku drew a deep breath, and released it as a sigh. 

Itachi smiled. 

***

"Do you _really_ have to," Iruka exclaimed when he stepped out onto the veranda and found Kakashi lounging on it, wearing nothing but a very thin yukata.

It did nothing to conceal Kakashi's lean curves, and Kakashi was definitely doing nothing to reduce the gaping. 

"It's hot, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi purred, his hair one extremely long silvery braid already slithering off his shoulder as he turned his head to look up at Iruka. 

That braid was long enough that it started to drape over Kakashi's shoulder and dip down into his yukata and Iruka's gaze was following it. 

"Won't you help cool me down?" Kakashi said, and Iruka's gaze snapped back to his face, and went even hotter at the knowing smile on Kakashi's face. 

"You could just drink some iced tea," Iruka retorted, and made himself move forward to sit down next to Kakashi. "Are you involved with the - the thing that Itachi-kun said -" 

"Yes," Itachi said, coming up from behind Iruka, already carrying a tray of iced drinks. "It was his idea." 

"I should have known you'd be a giant pervert about it," Iruka told Kakashi, taking the cup from Itachi's tray and handing it to Kakashi. 

"Why," Kakashi said, smile turning into a leer. "What did you think was going to happen here, Iruka-sensei? What a dirty mind you have." 

"You keep leaving those books around," Itachi said calmly, folding down to kneel beside Iruka. "Iruka-sensei's sensibilities are offended." 

"Oh you've been _reading_ them, Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi purred, taking a sip from his cup. 

Iruka'd never thought that you could drink tea lewdly, not from earthenware cups, but Kakashi was definitely managing it. 

"No," Iruka said, ignoring his cheeks going red. 

They went hotter when Itachi leaned over and pressed tea-warm lips to his ear. 

"It's alright if you had," Kakashi said, and his lips were pink and wet. From the tea, but Kakashi was running his tongue just the tip over his lips and Iruka found his gaze was caught at the hint of his tongue. 

"I didn't read those," Iruka protested but Itachi was winding a hand around Iruka's waist now, slipping his fingers under the soft fold of his obi and pressing fingers against warm skin. 

"Drink your tea, Iruka-senpai," Itachi murmured against Iruka's ear. 

"Yes, drink it," Kakashi said, shifting his grip on his cup, the beading moisture from the ice running over his pale, slim fingers and Iruka choked , just a little. 

Kakashi's smile went wicked as he shifted forward, reaching forward with his free hand to curl over Iruka's knuckles and coax Iruka's cup of warm tea like Itachi's, to Iruka's lips. 

Iruka shuddered at the touch of cool wet fingers on his own, and couldn't look away from Kakashi's wicked, dark gaze. Accepted the cup against his lips, shivering as Itachi's fingers snaked further into his yukata to pat his belly, and press closer, so he could definitely feel the soft curve of Itachi's breast against his back. 

Iruka almost choked on his tea. 

"Shh, careful, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi cooed at him. "Don't want you to choke on our _first_ time." 

"This isn't my first time with either of you," Iruka said. He would have managed indignant, if Itachi hadn't nipped his earlobe and nearly squeaked instead. 

"But it's your first time with _both_ ," Kakashi purred and he was practically in his _lap_ somehow his cup was gone, and Kakashi was sliding his _other_ ice-cold hand to join itachi's, bolder too because he was sliding it down while Itachi's was going up and Iruka definitely squeaked. 

Itachi chuckled in Iruka's ear and took away Iruka's cup before he spilled it on himself. 

If he had, he was sure that Kakashi would take filthy advantage.

Without the cup, Kakashi just tangled his fingers with Iruka's and leaned in to kiss him, coaxing Iruka's tongue into Kakashi's mouth and sucking lightly, swallowing his whimper. 

"Don't leave out Itachi-kun," Kakashi purred when he broke the kiss, clearly pleased with the way Iruka looked. If he looked anything like how he felt - heady, glazed over and shivering with sensation. 

Cool fingers caught Iruka's jaw and tilted his face to Itachi's, and Iruka moaned into his husband's mouth. 

Sank into it, how Itachi was making a pleased, warm sound against his lips, his tongue, and Kakashi shifted, deft and quick and some how Iruka found he was in _kakashi's_ lap, the soft warmth of Kakashi's breasts pressed against Iruka's back, and Kakashi's hands back under Iruka's yukata, trying their best to slide between Iruka's legs. 

Itachi hummed, pulled back enough to smile at Iruka, and adjust himself between Iruka's thighs, settling there neat as you please, like a cat. 

"Now, this is a pretty picture," Kakashi murmured. It was - from his view over Iruka's shoulder, both of them could see the gap in Itachi's yukata, the little pale valley of Itachi's breasts under the soft dark fabric, and Itachi's hooded dark eyes. 

"So much better than from that tree," Kakashi said. 

Both Itachi and Iruka's gazes snapped to Kakashi. 

"What." Iruka said. 

"It was just the once," Kakashi said. 

"Taicho," Itachi growled. 

"Maa," Kakashi said and nuzzled a kiss to Iruka's neck. "I couldn't help it, Iruka-sensei was so pretty with you making him cry out like that, couldn't just leave. You both tempted me then, all. Moonlight gorgeous." 

It was the way he was murmuring it, beautiful, almost lyrical, into Iruka's ear, that made him _melt,_ because Kakashi was very, very good at knowing what would make Iruka soften and forgive him. 

And with him stroking between Iruka's legs like _that_ , coaxing a shudder and a flush that went all the way down his yukata, _that_ would distract Itachi, and Itachi knew very well how gorgeous Iruka-sensei was, flustered and flushed and squirming with his yukata in disarray.

Kakashi knew his kouhai's weaknesses too, and Itachi knew he knew it.

Itachi gave him a slightly narrowed look, but he was surging forward to kiss iruka's belly, above Kakashi's wrist, and that, well, it meant he'd probably get scolded by Itachi later but right now?

Maybe he'd be able to coax Itachi into making Iruka scream in his arms.

This was a great engagement present.

***

"Iruka-sensei, a messanger from the Academy came -" fugaku said, paused at the sight of his son… -in-law. 

Kakashi paused mid-stretch, and twisted to smile up at him, all white teeth borderline lewd yukata slipping off his shoulders. 

"Hello, Fugaku-san," He purred. "Were you looking for Iruka-sensei? He's… tired out." 

Fugaku had to take a deep breath and count to ten. 

"Yes, I have a message from the Academy for him." He'd thought Itachi was in, not Kakashi. 

"Ah, I'll pass that to him," Kakashi said, leaning forward to pluck it from Fugaku's fingers. 

The yukata was emblazoned with the Uchiha clan symbol, and was scandalously short on Kakashi's lankier and… fuller figure than Itachi's. 

Fugaku had to remind himself to relax his jaw and go see the dentist soon. 

"I believe you were on a mission. I was going to talk to Itachi -" 

"He's tired out too," Kakashi said, smiling. " _So_ good to see you, Fugaku-san. Perhaps I'll join my _husband_ at dinner tonight too. Since I got back early and we decided to celebrate."

Fugaku made a pained sound at this _far too much_ information, and Kakashi grinned wider. 

His son had _terrible_ taste, he should have just stuck with Umino.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got sick of trying to write flirting and just, time-skipped. 
> 
> Also, obviously, this fic is all about Tsume/Hiashi OTP, and we all know that Tsume is not going to be the one bearing a kid in THIS union…


	5. EPILOGUE

Satsuki wouldn't stop _crying_. 

Iruka loved her, but she had napped only fitfully throughout the day, no matter how often Iruka carried her, tried to bounce or rock her. 

Now he was reduced to trying to sing the lullabies he remembered his mother humming, because his arms were tired. 

"She is still crying?" Kakashi said, coming over with a warm bottle. 

"I've tried that," Iruka said, glaring at Kakashi because of course Kakashi had run away for two hours while Iruka had tried to get her to nap. 

Satsuki yelled, and Iruka hurriedly turned back to her, trying to get back to the lullabye. 

_When the leaves are falling, the sun is rising -_

"What is that," Itachi said, blinking when he stepped in to find his husbands standing around his crying child. 

"Satsuki-chan won't stop crying," Kakashi said, a little helplessly. 

"Ah," Itachi said. "Give her here." he said, shedding his bag and coat. 

Iruka all but flung the baby into Itachi's arms, he was so TIRED. 

Satsuki paused, hiccupped, and resumed wailing. Itachi tipped her upright a little, and then looked her in the eye with his sharingans. 

She stopped. 

"What the -" Iruka said, frazzled, "What did you - did you just _sharingan_ her to sleep?" 

"Yes?" Itachi said, handing their now unconscious infant to Iruka. "How else do you get children to sleep?" 

"You rock them, sing lullabies- " 

Itachi looked blank. "What are lullabies?" 

"Songs you sing to children," Kakashi said, with a shrug. "If I had known you could do that with the sharingan -" 

"It's what you do," Itachi agreed. 

"You're breaking her brain development!" 

"Every parent in the Uchiha clan does it," Itachi said, a little perplexed. "Everyone gets proper sleep." 

Iruka made a frustrated sound but went to put her to bed. 

"I'll ask my clansmen to help if I'm not here," Itachi told Kakashi. 

"Sure," Kakashi said. "So you don't actually have lullabies?" 

"What would singing do to help?" Itachi said frankly. "It's easier and more efficient to just use the sharingans." 

 

END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMAKE: 
> 
> Everyone: oh, Uchiha Satsuki? That's nice, you were born in May were you? 
> 
> Satsuki: No? My birthday is in February. 
> 
> All the kids: Wow, your parents must like May. 
> 
> All the adults: *calculating, calculating…* um. 
> 
> Kakashi: *hiding behind a book because nope* 
> 
> Itachi: *smug, smug smile* 
> 
>  
> 
> \- THE TRUE UCHIHA LULLABYE IS SHARINGAN  
> \- No uchiha actually knows a lullabye.


End file.
